10 ANSWERS
Adam Taha, Artist and writer passionate about psychology of dating
Views · Adam has 1080+ answersand 15 endorsements in Dating and Relationships
Because being nice to a girl when you want to get into her pants is dishonest. Being nice, polite, considerate are qualities to have anyway. It’s not enough.
However, let’s look at what Nice Guy really means when it comes to dating because it doesn’t mean what you most people think it means.
- Because Nice guys are not honest about their desire.
They are not honest in showing they desire the girl….immediately. They hide. They are secretive. They are unathentic. They have no identity but rather sacrifice their identity to be accepted. To seek validation. Fearful always of losing the girl.
It’s alright to show you desire someone.
There’s nothing wrong with it and let no one say so but there is a positive way of doing so and one of them is showing true intent from day one.
It’s not nice being friends with a girl when really the intent is that a guy likes her, finds her attractive and wants to date her. But nice guys are not nice. They lie. They pretend. They get close to her with spending lots of time, texting, calling, whatsapp and the intent is hidden. - Because Nice Guys turn off their sexuality always.
They hide their sexuality because they fear losing the girl. They try to be friends first and not saying to the girl that they desire her.
You don’t have to blatantly say it you desire her. Just approaching, flirting, conversing, asking her out says it. Use role playing in a fun way too, stay away from being serious and showing romantic deep affection from day one or making it some bigdeal with love letters and flowers.
They are supplicating when done like that and trying to buy affection through gifts is not the way to go.
You’re enough to approach and smile, be light hearted and fun when approaching. Being serious creates awkwardiness. She doesn’t know you so you wouldn’t do all that in the beginning.
Qualify her. Get her to show her interest so you know the interest is both ways and not you alone doing the work. This shows you got standards and you want her to show she is interested in you. - Because Nice Guys don’t show they like girls. Passive aggressive
They hide their desire and look for signals. Then get frustrated, angry because she is now dating someone else. Or she isn’t showing interest because she’s suppose to read their mind.
Confident guys have invested time knowing about girls and they put a lot of time approaching them, learning about them, conversing, socialisation. All this gives them experience and high level social instinct.
They get good with the approach, flirting, conversation skills the way you would if you want to get a job, social network better to get results, pump that CV with the emotional language the employers and recruiters look for.
So this “you talk like you do with everyone,” is bullshit.
Then making fun of it by saying “women don’t have a secret code, language.” They do. We all do. That’s why companies spend millions on research, social phsycologist and marketing.
It’s very misleading to say this and it’s immature when we know the reality is, people do have fears, perceptions and knowing how to communicate in a certain way lowers the walls. It’s not manipulation. Manipulation is when you only got your own interest at heart but this is about approach, attractiong and communicating with girls who do want to date you.
Those who say “we all got same lingo so no use learning how to influence,” are trying to make you feel good but you don’t want the “feel good factor.”
You want honesty, truth, results. So you do need to talk to girls in a different way than you talking to just anybody.
Flirting is a language of it’s own. Building rapport in a sexual attraction manner is a language of it’s own. Texting to build on attraction is a language of it’s own. Building comfort as well as seduction is an emotional language of it’s own.
I know. I guide many guys on how to do this and many failed before talking with me, coached by me. The moment they changed the way they communicated, results happened.
The amount of fucking times I see people here telling others there is no secret code, belittling the science of psychology, human behaviour and dating process is unbelievable.
I like them to come to walk up to a woman in a night club and talk like they do with everyone. I like them to go and talk to women earning 100K and talk to them like they do with everyone.
They would be blown out and not because the women are idoits but because you don’t even talk. It’s loud and so body language is an emotional language of it’s own.
Isolating i.e. leading a woman outside to talk is a language of it’s own and has a process.
Honestly when I read guys, so called experts and authors selling books telling people you just talk like you do with everyone, I can see how so many confused about dating.
Social dynamics has a language of it’s own.
You go to parties, you got to know about pre-selection.
You got to know the social rules, what works, what doesn’t and on and on it goes. This takes time, experience, knowledge and someone reading a book or not doing enough of approaching in these environments will be lost.
You won’t talk to a girl that you like the way you would with your sister. You won’t with your mum. You won’t with a girl you’re not interested in. You won’t in environments of jobs and business.
Very different process, different emotional language and different body language.
Like dating…there is a process, there are words to use, there is sexual indirect subcommunication, there is physical conversation and in different levels, their is attraction…qualifying the girl….comfort…to seduction.
There is solving problems from beginning to seduction and even after seduction.
There is approaching, transition, time bridging conversation and deep diving conversation and on it goes. It’s knowledge and skill.
Dating girls leads to relationships, leads to a lot of important things in life so why then, should this be any different, lowered like it is nothing, like you don’t need to learn, invest knowledge, time, skill?
It is a huge part in our life.
If you date someone and mindset is poor and lead to marriage etc…the implications for future is big. If one doesn’t have good strong social instinct but is needy, desperate for validation they can easily ignore red flags because they don’t want to see what is really happening. They got the person on a pedestal.
So how come we never learn this as children, as adults, in schools, colleges and even universities?
Because we are sold fantasies, it makes billions of dollars. Frustration sells. Pain sells. Hope sells. The good feeling that you talk to girls like you do with everyone….sells.
If it was that easy, many guys and girls won’t be so confused even when they do approach immediately. They don’t know what the hell is going on and suddenly think something is wrong with them.
Staying in the area of pain gets you to want to drink, desperate and buying into some fallacies than seeing reality for what it is.
That it needs one to have self development but not the motivational bullshit most teach, the knowledge and skill in building rapport, conversation and so forth.
And people belittle that which plays a huge part in our social life with..
“Oh you don’t need to learn anything. Just approach and talk to girls like you would with everyone because we’re all same.”
We are not the same. We are individuals, with our own fears, desires, needs, wants, emotional language, personality differences, patterns, habits, perception and all these create our reality.
As an example, marketing. If we create the same message to everyone, we are trying to please everyone. We are wasting resources, time, money, expertise, skill, knowledge and lose on out who is looking for what we have to offer.
This is why in dating, profiling is very important. You need to know the type of girl you’re into and then focus on these type of girls, and approach to observe, learn, gather information instead of pursuing one girl.
There will be differences in personality but there will be many similar things you will find, such as a pattern for an adventureous girl. You’ll know what she desires, needs, wants and appeals to such girls.
So it is in business and so it is in social life.
You need to know who you are communicating to and take into consideration about who the girl you’re approaching is. Experience tells me that by approaching, conversing, flirting, dating…I can find out about her and speak in her emotional language.
That’s why when I approach I don’t approach with mindset to impress. I approach to engage her to first be willing to invest time to get to know me. If she isn’t willing, no problem. I move on. - Because Nice Guys fear disagreeing with girls
You won’t see a confident guy getting walked all over. He has a view point. If he doesn’t agree to a girls view point he will say so. He will be polite but firm about it. He has an opinion and he will speak up.
You don’t have to shout, act all arrogant, angry, throwing things. You be calm and calmness is strength and power. It is masculinity. You’re not losing your shit. You’re calm in the storm. So say it politely but firm. Hve an opinion. Speak up. - Because Nice Guys don’t stand up to their values and have boundaries
He lets her know without fear and in a polite manner what his boundaries are. If she gives him lip he will speak up. If she is late, he will speak up. If she screws around with his time, if she plays hard to get….he will speak up and he will also….have the balls to say enough is enough. - Because Nice Guys haven’t the balls to walk away
If a girl doesn’t show interest in him and give him respect,then the confident guy will walk away. His behaviour isn’t needy, desperate and nor does he supplicate to her.
If she doesn’t return his advances no problem.
He will appproach someone else who will. It’s a numbers game. Plenty of girls who will say yes if he has the balls to approach. Keep approaching and you will find you’re going to get better, overcome some anxiety, and you’ll get a yes. - Because Nice Guys put girls on pedestals
Nice guys always have this same pattern. They fall for this one girl, talk about how they fallen in love with her when they know nothing of her. Even if she’s a friend, he still hasn’t approached her and she hasn’t shown the willingness to invest.
He becomes her emotional support, treated like a tampon and becomes her therapist AND she is the patient. Vomiting all her problems and even stories of guys who chase her. She now has someone who she can get emotional support from like a…brother….a sister…a girl-friend. Very hard now for her to maybe date this guy because she will feel she will lose a friend. She doesn’t want to risk spoiling that.
It happens a lot.
Confident men do not waste time pretending they are there to help to get into her pants. They don’t put their happiness, freedom and standards aside for one girl. No matter who she is. That’s not going to happen. They are upfront, honest, show they desire the girl, behave like lovers to differentiate themselves from being platonic.
They understand the meaning of pre-framing. That first impressions count and even throughout the dating process they don’t switch off their sexuality. They continue to behave as a lover. - They think being NICE entitles them to date girls
That because one is nice, polite, considerate…that the girl must date the guy. Being nice is something one needs to be anyway but it is not what attracts girls. It needs something else and you can see from the above a list of unattractive behaviour that he needs to sort out. Also what he needs to invest and learn.
So let’s not categorise the Nice Guy as being nice. He’s not nice. He’s pretends to be nice to get closer to win her over. It’s lying.
Creepy. Dishonest. Weak.
Trading his boundaries, his standards because he fears rejection.
The Nice Guy isn’t so nice when you think about it.
Be nice. Be polite. Be considerate. Respect people and be honest about what one wants. You got to be a man who has self respect and know how let the other person know what you want.
Nice guy doesn’t say what he wants and instead does everything what a girl wants to impress her. Always hiding his true intent.
Then he gets treated as a….doormat.
He can still be nice but he needs to approach in an attractive manner and say it in an attractive appealing way. He has to say what he wants. He becomes bold, decisive and isn’t apologetic on what you desire.
Sure, not all girls will say yes.
It’s part of life.
But for each girl who said no to me, I became stronger through each no and I am glad they said no. Because where I am today, is not due to the YES.
It is due to many “NO’s,” because rejections helped me to see who is really into me and who is not into me. Who is willing to see me for what I am from the inside than assuming who I am by what I write, what I way, how I speak, what I wear, what I look like and what they think other people think about me.
I see rejection as a gift.
Saves me a whole of of time. Puts things into a perspective called reality. It does it very fast. In minutes! I don’t need days and weeks.
I can get a yes or a no……fast!
Far too much Hollywood, Bollywood movies and romance novels playing in their head. Lots of the myths about the white knight saving the day and he must sacrifice his life for her to say yes. Bullshit.
PS…any confusion….please read comments below or ask more questions below about this topic. Cheers.
Andrius Saulis, Studying and actively applying seduction, pickup and women psychology since 2006
Views · Andrius has 180+ answersin Dating and Relationships
The question is false because girls DO like nice guys - just not as lovers or potential sexual partners, but as friends and someone to simply hang out and spend time with.
Nice guys usually don’t spark any strong attraction in girls because of their actions (or inaction to be more specific), that’s why girls don’t consider them as sexual partners and they end up in the friend-zone as a sexless buddy or just as a platonic friend.
Otherwise, Adam already answered this pretty much in depth, as to why.
Cheers!
Most women do like nice guys. Some women are damaged and will choose bad situations and bad men. We hope they gain self-esteem and learn to make better decisions.
Stop generalizing and tame people one-by-one. If someone rejects you, it's not for some generic, sexist reason. She just doent feel the chemistry.
