A Former Therapist's Critique of Psychotherapy: Daniel Mackler Speaks

How To Accept Blame/Responsibility When You Deserve It

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   Step up and confess as soon as you realize what went wrong. Waiting to see how things shake out is a bad idea. As soon as a situation starts going south, step up and point out where the problem started - with you, yourself. The sooner the problem is identified, the sooner a resolution is possible, and that minimizes consequences.
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   Don't skate around the issue. This means you should state the problem directly, clearly and simply rather than beating around the bush or attempting to confuse the issue in order to make you look less responsible. Again, when problems crop up, the quickest way to the solution is simple, direct identification of the problem's origin and details. Trying to skate around an issue is just frustrating, and in the end the problem takes much longer to deal with and becomes more complicated the longer it goes on.
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   Don't try to shift even a part of the blame. This doesn't mean that you should accept blame that you don't deserve. Sometimes it is more than one persons fault. If you have a boss, spouse, or teacher that are understanding it can help you to acknowledge when you have made a mistake (in some cases may share partial responsibility). But saying things like, "Well, if he/she had or hadn't done this then I wouldn't have done that or this wouldn't have happened." It is unjustifiable. Instead, say, "I am so sorry for this. I had no idea that what I did could cause this type of problem. How can I help fix it?"
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   Realize that the truth will be discovered eventually. It's been said, and is generally true, that "the truth is just a shortcut to what's going to happen anyway." If you're around when the truth does come out, and you haven't confessed your part in the problem, your credibility for all future situations will be compromised terribly. When others realize that you had the last clear chance to step up and own that mistake, but instead you allowed them to share blame with you, they will not appreciate it at all. When your boss realizes that you allowed others to bear responsibility for your mistake, your days will be numbered, or at the very least, your prospects for advancement will be curtailed significantly.
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   Trust the other party to help. Hopefully, you have a decent parent, spouse or manager; or if you're in school, your teacher is fair. Assuming your boss is a good boss (or whatever authority figure is in play) is the smartest assumption to make in this case. The reality is that the person who has authority over you can protect you better than anyone else, but if you don't admit you caused a problem, there will be no shield when the truth eventually comes out. If it's a working situation, and you go to your boss as soon as you realize what's happened, s/he can help you more than you may know. Trusting your boss to help you out of a jam can actually pay big dividends later - by confessing to this problem, you've just shown your boss that if a problem is really your responsibility, you'll step up and say so. When problems crop up later and evidence points to you, if you say, "No, that wasn't me," your boss will believe you - s/he knows that you are mature enough to admit your mistakes, because you've done so in the past.
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   Help solve the problem. Once you've caused a problem, don't wait to be forced or pressured to remedy it - volunteer. Don't ask if you can help - ask how you can help. Watch carefully as those who help the most do their work, and take note of the way they resolve the issue. File this information in your memory and have it handy for later use.
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   Explain yourself. Once the recovery is underway, you should try to explain what your thought process was, so that your boss, significant other or parent can understand what led you to the point where things went pear-shaped. Many times, once you've explained your thinking, others will say, "Well, that does make sense in a way, however..." By doing this, you are allowing them to help correct the way you think about things, and helping yourself for the future.

   • Be careful not to justify the mistake or behavior. Look at the difference in these two statements: "I'm sorry I yelled at you, but I haven't been sleeping well." (justification) versus "I've been on edge because I haven't been getting much sleep lately, but it was wrong of me to yell at you and I'm sorry." Learn how to apologize properly.
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   Accept consequences. There may be some - that's why it's scary to step forward and admit responsibility. But shouldering blame early and helping in the resolution of the problem will make any punishment or penance less harsh. Take your punishment as courageously as possible, and when it's done, it's really over - you'll have learned your lesson and maintained personal integrity in the process.
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   Recover gracefully. It isn't mistakes that should define us - it's recovery. Most clients, when asked, will say that their most trusted contractors and vendors have not been perfect, but that when mistakes were made, the contractor made it up to them by admitting their responsibility and offering either a steep discount or replacement free of charge, or offered discounts on future jobs in exchange for the inconvenience caused by their error. It's not the mistake - it's the way you rebound from it that matters to most people.
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    Hold your head up and move on. Nobody's perfect. We all make mistakes. If we're smart, we learn from those mistakes and take note so that we don't repeat them. Learning experiences that are the most painful are also often the most valuable. Remember that your mistake was just that - it wasn't intentional, you didn't set out to deliberately cause harm or screw someone else up. And as soon as you realized that it was you who caused the problem, you stepped in, ready to help dig everyone out of the hole you put them in. You can hold your head up and feel good knowing that you did your best to help everyone recover with a minimum of pain.

Punishment Effectiveness - Operant Conditioning, Positive Reinforcement, Negative and Positive Punishments

Operant conditioning (sometimes referred to as instrumental conditioning) is a method of learning that occurs through rewards and punishments for behavior. Through operant conditioning, an association is made between a behavior and a consequence for that behavior.
For example, when a lab rat presses a blue button, he receives a food pellet as a reward, but when he presses the red button he receives a mild electric shock. As a result, he learns to press the blue button but avoid the red button.

The History of Operant Conditioning

Operant conditioning was coined by behaviorist B.F. Skinner, which is why you may occasionally hear it referred to as Skinnerian conditioning. As a behaviorist, Skinner believed that it was not really necessary to look at internal thoughts and motivations in order to explain behavior. Instead, he suggested, we should look only at the external, observable causes of human behavior.
Through the first part of the 20th-century, behaviorism had become a major force within psychology.

The ideas of John B. Watson dominated this school of thought early on. Watson focused on the principles of classical conditioning, once famously suggesting that he could take any person regardless of their background and train them to be anything he chose.

Where the early behaviorists had focused their interests on associative learning, Skinner was more interested in how the consequences of people's actions influenced their behavior.
Skinner used the term operant to refer to any "active behavior that operates upon the environment to generate consequences" (1953). In other words, Skinner's theory explained how we acquire the range of learned behaviors we exhibit each and every day.
His theory was heavily influenced by the work of psychologist Edward Thorndike, who had proposed what he called the law of effect. According to this principle, actions that are followed by desirable outcomes are more likely to be repeated while those followed by undesirable outcomes are less likely to be repeated.
Operant conditioning relies on a fairly simple premise - actions that are followed by reinforcement will be strengthened and more likely to occur again in the future. If you tell a funny story in class and everybody laughs, you will probably be more likely to tell that story again in the future.
Conversely, actions that result in punishment or undesirable consequences will be weakened and less likely to occur again in the future. If you tell the same story again in another class but nobody laughs this time, you will be less likely to repeat the story again in the future.

Types of Behaviors

Skinner distinguished between two different types of behaviors: respondent behaviors and operant behaviors. Respondent behaviors are those that occur automatically and reflexively, such as pulling your hand back from a hot stove or jerking your leg when the doctor taps on your knee. You don't have to learn these behaviors, they simply occur automatically and involuntarily.
Operant behavior, on the other hand, are those under our conscious control. Some may occur spontaneously and others purposely, but it is the consequences of these actions that then influence whether or not they occur again in the future. Our actions on the environment and the consequences of those action make up an important part of the learning process.
While classical conditioning could account for respondent behaviors, Skinner realized that it could not account for a great deal of learning. Instead, Skinner suggested that operant conditioning held far greater importance.
Skinner had invented many different devices during his boyhood and he put these skills to work during his studies on operant conditioning. He created a device known as an operant conditioning chamber, most often referred to today as a Skinner box. The chamber was essentially a box that could hold a small animal such as a rat or pigeon. The box also contained a bar or key that the animal could press in order to receive a reward.
In order to track responses, Skinner also developed a device known as a cumulative recorder. The device recorded responses as a upward movement of a line so that response rates could be read by looking at the slope of the line.

Components of Operant Conditioning

Some key concepts in operant conditioning:

Reinforcement

Reinforcement is any event that strengthens or increases the behavior it follows. There are two kinds of reinforcers:

1. Positive reinforcers are favorable events or outcomes that are presented after the behavior. In situations that reflect positive reinforcement, a response or behavior is strengthened by the addition of something, such as praise or a direct reward.
2. Negative reinforcers involve the removal of an unfavorable events or outcomes after the display of a behavior. In these situations, a response is strengthened by the removal of something considered unpleasant.

In both of these cases of reinforcement, the behavior increases.

Punishment

Punishment, on the other hand, is the presentation of an adverse event or outcome that causes a decrease in the behavior it follows. There are two kinds of punishment:

1. Positive punishment, sometimes referred to as punishment by application, involves the presentation of an unfavorable event or outcome in order to weaken the response it follows.
2. Negative punishment, also known as punishment by removal, occurs when an favorable event or outcome is removed after a behavior occurs.

In both of these cases of punishment, the behavior decreases.

Reinforcement Schedules

Skinner also found that when and how often behaviors were reinforced played a role in the speed and strength of acquisition. He identified several different schedules of reinforcement:

1. Continuous reinforcement involves delivery a reinforcement every time a response occurs. Learning tends to occur relatively quickly, yet the response rate is quite low. Extinction also occurs very quickly once reinforcement is halted.
2. Fixed-ratio schedules are a type of partial reinforcement. Responses are reinforced only after a specific number of responses have occurred. This typically leads to a fairly steady response rate.
3. Fixed-interval schedules are another form of partial reinforcement. Reinforcement occurs only after a certain interval of time has elapsed. Response rates remain fairly steady and start to increase as the reinforcement time draws near, but slow immediately after the reinforcement has been delivered.
4. Variable-ratio schedules are also a type of partial reinforcement that involve reinforcing behavior after a varied number of responses. This leads to both a high response rate and slow extinction rates.
5. Variable-interval schedules are the final form of partial reinforcement Skinner described. This schedule involves delivering reinforcement after a variable amount of time has elapsed. This also tends to lead to a fast response rate and slow extinction rate.

Examples of Operant Conditioning

We can find examples of operant conditioning at work all around us. Consider the case of children completing homework to earn a reward from a parent or teacher, or employees finishing projects to receive praise or promotions.
In these examples, the promise or possibility of rewards causes an increase in behavior, but operant conditioning can also be used to decrease a behavior. The removal of a desirable outcome or the application of a negative outcome can be used to decrease or prevent undesirable behaviors. For example, a child may be told they will lose recess privileges if they talk out of turn in class. This potential for punishment may lead to a decrease in disruptive behaviors.
Learn more: The Differences Between Classical Conditioning and Operant Conditioning


Classical and operant conditioning are two important concepts central to behavioral psychology. While both result in learning, the processes are quite different. In order to understand how each of these behavior modification techniques can be used, it is also essential to understand how classical conditioning and operant conditioning differ from one another.
Let's start by looking at some of the most basic differences.

Classical Conditioning

• First described by Ivan Pavlov, a Russian physiologist
• Involves placing a neutral signal before a reflex
• Focuses on involuntary, automatic behaviors

Operant Conditioning

• First described by B. F. Skinner, an American psychologist
• Involves applying reinforcement or punishment after a behavior
• Focuses on strengthening or weakening voluntary behaviors

How Classical Conditioning Works

Even if you are not a psychology student, you have probably at least heard about Pavlov's dogs. In his famous experiment, Ivan Pavlov noticed dogs began to salivate in response to a tone after the sound had been repeatedly paired with the presentation of food.

Pavlov quickly realized that this was a learned response and set out to further investigate the conditioning process.

Classical conditioning involves pairing a previously neutral stimulus (such as the sound of a bell) with an unconditioned stimulus (the taste of food). This unconditioned stimulus naturally and automatically triggers salivating as a response to the food, which is known as the unconditioned response. After associating the neutral stimulus and the unconditioned stimulus, the sound of the bell alone will start to evoke salivating as a response. The sound of the bell is now known as the conditioned stimulus and salivating in response to the bell is known as the conditioned response.

How Operant Conditioning Works

Operant conditioning focuses on using either reinforcement or punishment to increase or decrease a behavior. Through this process, an association is formed between the behavior and the consequences for that behavior. For example, imagine that a trainer is trying to teach a dog to fetch a ball. When the dog successful chases and picks up the ball, the dog receives praise as a reward.

When the animal fails to retrieve the ball, the trainer withholds the praise. Eventually, the dog forms an association between his behavior of fetching the ball and receiving the desired reward.

The Differences Between Classical and Operant Conditioning

One of the simplest ways to remember the differences between classical and operant conditioning is to focus on whether the behavior is involuntary or voluntary. Classical conditioning involves making an association between an involuntary response and a stimulus, while operant conditioning is about making an association between a voluntary behavior and a consequence.
In operant conditioning, the learner is also rewarded with incentives, while classical conditioning involves no such enticements. Also remember that classical conditioning is passive on the part of the learner, while operant conditioning requires the learner to actively participate and perform some type of action in order to be rewarded or punished.
Today, both classical and operant conditioning are utilized for a variety of purposes by teachers, parents, psychologists, animal trainers and many others. In animal training, a trainer might utilize classical conditioning by repeatedly pairing the sound of a clicker with the taste of food. Eventually, the sound of the clicker alone will begin to produce the same response that the taste of food would.
In a classroom setting, a teacher might utilize operant conditioning by offering tokens as rewards for good behavior. Students can then turn in these tokens to receive some type of reward such as treat or extra play time.

Positive Reinforcement

"Positive reinforcement is the most important and most widely applied principle of behaviour analysis"

- Cooper, Heron and Heward (2007, p.257)

What is Reinforcement?

Miltenberger (2008, p.73) states that ‘reinforcement is the process in which a behaviour is strengthened by the immediate consequence that reliably follows its occurrence’. To “strengthen” a behaviour is to make it occur more frequently; as clarified by Michael (2004, p. 258) stating that 'when a type of behaviour is followed by reinforcement there will be an increased future frequency of that type of behaviour'.
This basically means that if you engage in a certain behaviour, and this behaviour gets you something that you wanted, then you are more likely to engage in that same behaviour again when you want the same outcome in the future.
For example, when you want to turn on your television you will press the “ON” button. Before you pressed this button the TV was off but you wanted it on and so after pressing the button you got what you wanted. Therefore, in future, when you want the TV on you will press the ON button again and so positive reinforcement has occurred.
You won’t press the VOLUME button because when you have done this in the past it doesn’t turn on your TV, therefore pressing the VOLUME button when you want the TV to turn on will mean positive reinforcement does not occur.
Note though that making a behaviour occur more frequently is not the only “strengthening” that can occur. The duration, latency, magnitude and/or topography of behaviours can also be strengthened (Cooper et al, 2007).

What’s the “Positive” in Positive Reinforcement?

The term “positive” is used in conjunction with reinforcement to denote a specific form of reinforcement. It does not mean something “good” but instead the term positive relates more to the mathematical term of “adding” or “addition”.
This is because positive reinforcement is the addition of something as a result of a behaviour after you have engaged in this behaviour. Before you engaged in the behaviour, what you wanted was not present but after you engaged in the behaviour what you wanted is present.

The "positive" in positive reinforcement is when something that was not present becomes present after engaging in a behaviour.

Positive Reinforcement Example

Positive Reinforcement Does Not Occur: Johnny comes running into his mother after being outside in the hot sun playing with his friends. He exclaims “I’m really thirsty! Can I have some coke please Mam?” His mother says “No Johnny, now run along back outside to your friends”. Johnny isn’t very happy with this and he decides there’s no point in asking for coke the next time he wants some because he didn’t get any this time.
In this example, although Johnny asked for coke he was not given it. Therefore even after engaging in the behaviour of requesting coke, positive reinforcement did not occur. Additionally, because he was not given coke by asking for it he has decided not to ask next time and so there will not be an increase in the future frequency of that behaviour.
Positive Reinforcement Does Occur: Johnny comes running into his mother after being outside in the hot sun playing with his friends. He exclaims “I’m really thirsty! Can I have some coke please Mam?” His mother says “Of course you can Johnny!” and promptly gets a bottle of coke from the refrigerator and pours him a glass. He gulps it down and decides that the next time he wants some coke he’ll make sure to ask again.
In this example, Johnny had no coke but wanted some, his behaviour (asking for coke) led to him getting what he wanted. Johnny’s request for coke was positively reinforced by him being given some. By being given what he wanted he is also more likely to ask this question again at a later time when he is thirsty and so there will be an increased future frequency of that behaviour.

Johnny's request for a drink of coke is positively reinforced by him being given some (coke is added).

Reinforce the Behaviour…not the Person

In the example above where positive reinforcement did occur, it is important to note that it was Johnny’s behaviour that was reinforced and not Johnny himself. It would be incorrect to say “Johnny was positively reinforced with coke” because it was his request (behaviour) for coke that was reinforced.
Instead you would say “Johnny’s request for coke was positively reinforced”. In the words of Cooper et al (2007, p. 258) ‘behaviours are reinforced, not people.’

Educational Example of Positive Reinforcement

A teacher is working through a discrimination programme where she places photographs of common fruits on the desk in front of her student, Brian, and then asks him to point to specific ones. For example, the teacher will place one photo of an apple and one photo of an orange on the desk and then says “point to apple” and Brian must point to the apple.
The teachers have found that Brian is only getting 2 out of 10 discriminations correct. As a way to try and increase his correct discriminations (his behaviour) they have decided to use a token economy as a way of providing positive reinforcement to Brian for responding correctly.
For every correct response the teacher will give Brian a token. These tokens are like the student’s version of money where he can earn them for completing his work and then use them to buy things that he wants such as fun activities, breaks from school work or sweets. The more correct responses he makes the more tokens he earns and so there will (or should) be an increased future frequency of correct responding because more tokens means more fun activities.

Using a token economy to delivery positive reinforcement for responding correctly should increase the amount of correct responses.

Positive Reinforcement Does Occur: on the first day using the token economy, Brian gets 6 out of 10 correct; on the second day he gets 8 out of 10 and on the third day he gets 10 out of 10. Remember, he is given tokens when he responds correctly; these tokens are “added” to the amount he has after he responds correctly and because his correct responses have increased it can be said that positive reinforcement is occurring.
The tokens act as a form of positive reinforcement because before pointing to the correct photo he wouldn’t have a token and then after pointing to the correct photo he gets one. From looking at how his correct responding increased, it could be said that Brian wanted to earn the tokens because earning them leads to him being able to trade them for a reinforcing activity and therefore he is more likely to continue to respond correctly when using this token economy.
Positive Reinforcement Does Not Occur: on the first day using the token economy, Brian gets 3 out of 10 correct; on the second day he gets 2 out of 10 and on the third day he gets 2 out of 10 again. In this case, positive reinforcement has not occurred because his responding has not increased. Even though he is being given tokens for correct responding and that he can trade the tokens for fun activities, his correct responding has not increased and therefore positive reinforcement is not occurring.


What is Negative Punishments and What is Positive Punishments? 

Negative punishment is an important concept in B. F. Skinner's theory of operant conditioning. In behavioral psychology, the goal of punishment is to decrease the behavior that precedes it. In the case of negative punishment, it involves taking something good or desirable away to reduce the occurrence of a particular behavior.
One of the easiest ways to remember this concept is to note that in behavioral terms, positive means adding something while negative means taking something away. For this reason, negative punishment is often referred to as punishment by removal.

Examples of Negative Punishment

• After getting into a fight with his sister over who gets to play with a new toy, the mother simply takes the toy away.
• A teenage girl stays out for an hour past her curfew, so her parents ground her for a week.
• A third-grade boy yells at another student during class, so his teacher takes away "good behavior" tokens that can be redeemed for prizes.

Can you identify the examples of negative punishment? Losing access to a toy, being grounded and losing reward tokens are all examples of negative punishment. In each case, something good is being taken away as a result of the individual's undesirable behavior.

The Effects of Negative Punishment

While negative punishment can be highly effective, Skinner and other researchers have suggested that a number of different factors can influence its success.
Negative punishment is most effective when:

• It immediately follows a response
• It is applied consistently

Consider this example: a teenage girl has a driver's license, but it does not allow her to drive at night.

However, she drives at night several times a week without facing any consequences. One evening while she is driving to the mall with a friend, she is pulled over and issued a ticket. As a result, she receives a notice in the mail a week later informing her that her driver's privileges have been revoked for 30 days. Once she regains her license, she goes back to driving at night even though she has six more months before she is legally allowed to drive during evening and nighttime hours.

As you might have guessed, losing her license is the negative punishment in this example. So why would she continue to engage in the behavior even though it led to punishment? Because the punishment was inconsistently applied (she drove at night many times without facing punishment) and because the punishment was not applied immediately (her driving privileges were not revoked until a week after she was caught), the negative punishment was not effective at curtailing her behavior.
Another major problem with punishment is that while it might reduce the unwanted behavior, it does not provide any information or instruction on more appropriate reactions.

B.F. Skinner also noted that once the punishment is withdrawn, the behavior is very likely to return.

Positive punishment is a concept used in B. F. Skinner's theory of operant conditioning. The goal of punishment is to decrease the behavior that it follows. In the case of positive punishment, it involves presenting an unfavorable outcome or event following an undesirable behavior.
The concept of positive punishment can difficult to remember, especially because it seems like a contradiction. How can punishment be positive? The easiest way to remember this concept is to note that it involves an aversive stimulus that is added to the situation. For this reason, positive punishment is sometimes referred to as punishment by application.

Examples of Positive Punishment

• You wear your favorite baseball cap to class but are reprimanded by your instructor for violating your school's dress code.
• Because you're late to work one morning, you drive over the speed limit through a school zone. As a result, you get pulled over by a police officer and receive a ticket.

• Your cell phone rings in the middle of a class lecture, and you are scolded by your teacher for not turning your phone off before class.

Can you identify the examples of positive punishment? The teacher reprimanding you for breaking the dress code, the officer issuing the speeding ticket and the teacher scolding you for not turning off your cell phone are all examples of positive punishment. They represent aversive stimuli that are meant to decrease the behavior that they follow.
In all of the examples above, the positive punishment is purposely administered by another person. However, positive punishment can also occur as a natural consequence of a behavior.

Touching a hot stove or a sharp object can cause painful injuries that serve as natural positive punishers for the behaviors.

Spanking as Positive Punishment

While positive punishment can be effective in some situations, B.F. Skinner noted that its use must be weighed against any potential negative effects. One of the best-known examples of positive punishment is spanking. Defined as striking a child across the buttocks with an open hand, this form of discipline is reportedly used by approximately 75 percent of parents in the United States.
Some researchers have suggested that mild, occasional spanking is not harmful, especially when used in conjunction with other forms of discipline. However, in one large meta-analysis of previous research, psychologist Elizabeth Gershoff found that spanking was associated poor parent-child relationships as well as with increases in antisocial behavior, delinquency and aggressiveness. More recent studies that controlled for a variety of confounding variables also found similar results.



Punishment is a term used in operant conditioning to refer to any change that occurs after a behavior that reduces the likelihood that that behavior will occur again in the future. While positive and negative reinforcement are used to increase behaviors, punishment is focused on reducing or eliminating unwanted behaviors.
Punishment is often mistakenly confused with negative reinforcement. Remember, reinforcement always increases the chances that a behavior will occur and punishment always decreases the chances that a behavior will occur.

Types of Punishment

Behaviorist B. F. Skinner, the psychologist who first described operant conditioning, identified two different kinds of aversive stimuli that can be used as punishment.

• Positive Punishment: This type of punishment is also known as "punishment by application." Positive punishment involves presenting an aversive stimulus after a behavior as occurred. For example, when a student talks out of turn in the middle of class, the teacher might scold the child for interrupting her.

• Negative Punishment: This type of punishment is also known as "punishment by removal." Negative punishment involves taking away a desirable stimulus after a behavior as occurred. For example, when the student from the previous example talks out of turn again, the teacher promptly tells the child that he will have to miss recess because of his behavior.

Is Punishment Effective?

While punishment can be effective in some cases, you can probably think of a few examples of when punishment does not reduce a behavior. Prison is one example. After being sent to jail for a crime, people often continue committing crimes once they are released from prison.

Why is it that punishment seems to work in some instances, but not in others? Researchers have found a number of factors that contribute to how effective punishment is in different situations. First, punishment is more likely to lead to a reduction in behavior if it immediately follows the behavior. Prison sentences often occur long after the crime has been committed, which may help explain why sending people to jail does not always lead to a reduction in criminal behavior.
Second, punishment achieves greater results when it is consistently applied. It can be difficult to administer a punishment every single time a behavior occurs. For example, people often continue to drive over the speed limit even after receiving a speeding ticket. Why? Because the behavior is inconsistently punished.
Punishment also has some notable drawbacks. First, any behavior changes that result from punishment are often temporary.
"Punished behavior is likely to reappear after the punitive consequences are withdrawn," Skinner explained in his book About Behaviorism.
Perhaps the greatest drawback is the fact that punishment does not actually offer any information about more appropriate or desired behaviors.

While subjects might be learning to not perform certain actions, they are not really learning anything about what they should be doing.

Another thing to consider about punishment is that it can have unintended and undesirable consequences. For example, while approximately 75 percent of parents in the United States report spanking their children on occasion, researchers have found that this type of physical punishment may lead to antisocial behavior, aggressiveness and delinquency among children. For this reason, Skinner and other psychologists suggest that any potential short-term gains from using punishment as a behavior modification tool need to be weighed again the potential long-term consequences.

Genesis 32:22-31 - Be Who You Are

Genesis 32:22-31New King James Version (NKJV)

Wrestling with God

²² And he arose that night and took his two wives, his two female servants, and his eleven sons, and crossed over the ford of Jabbok. ²³ He took them, sent them over the brook, and sent over what he had. ²⁴ Then Jacob was left alone; and a Man wrestled with him until the breaking of day. ²⁵ Now when He saw that He did not prevail against him, He touched the socket of his hip; and the socket of Jacob’s hip was out of joint as He wrestled with him. ²⁶ And He said, “Let Me go, for the day breaks.”
But he said, “I will not let You go unless You bless me!”
²⁷ So He said to him, “What is your name?”
He said, “Jacob.”
²⁸ And He said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel;^[a] for you have struggled with God and with men, and have prevailed.”
²⁹ Then Jacob asked, saying, “Tell me Your name, I pray.”
And He said, “Why is it that you ask about My name?” And He blessed him there.
³⁰ So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel:^[b] “For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.” ³¹ Just as he crossed over Penuel^[c] the sun rose on him, and he limped on his hip.

Why do some people make a much bigger deal about their boundaries than others?

Some people are constantly talking about what violates their boundaries, while others seem to never talk about it.

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Anonymous

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Those who don't have talk about boundaries, are more likely not to have one. They are more dangerous than the ones who has boundaries, because they don't have boundary for themselves (so that anybody can have a say on them) and they don't see the boundary that others have (so that give free advice when not asked for!) - believe me, I was one among them, sorry, I don't know if I am still one among them. Everybody is okay when I don't have boundaries (thanks to some who consider me like them and stop at a boundary point which is not defined yet), but for those who has boundaries, I was (for sure), don't know if I am still, pain on their neck. "Won't you leave me to do what I want?" - was the general opinion on me.

But, those who are aware of their boundaries, insist on it a lot - it is indeed good. At the same time, they think that others may also have boundaries just like they have - which is also good. But, they don't try to reduce their boundary limits - that is when some people feel disconnected with them (can't go beyond a limit even if we want to!). The more somebody tries to intrude inside their boundary limit, the stronger the limits are set and enforced. With time, this spoils their relationship with others.

Though we all know what it is to have boundary or not to have one - what is the solution for everyone to feel the same way, is not found. Because, every human is unique. No matter what rules are set, there will be people who violate it!

So, the only thing we could do is, if somebody has a boundary do respect their boundary. If you don't have one, do draw a boundary for yourself. Let those boundaries be safe enough to let you be in touch with others - let that not be a huge wall around you so that you are cut out of others. Let that be present - so that you know your limits on others and others have limited control over you!

All the best!

Written Sep 8, 2014 • View Upvotes

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Jan Gabler Melara, retired RN living the good life on Lake Rabon

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It's been my experience that people who talk excessively about their boundaries have had some kind of major trouble with boundaries in the past. Moreover, the very use of the word "boundaries" makes me think the speaker has been through some sort of counseling.

Written Sep 14, 2014 • View Upvotes

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William Ranger, I had to learn that reality has basic relationships that can be used with joy .

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Those people feel powerless, and are therefore not confident.

Crushes: Why my crush avoided me when I got jealous of her talking to another guy? - Ask Adam

Crushes:

Why my crush avoided me when I got jealous of her talking to another guy?

My crush is preparing for exams, and always studies at the library. She doesn't have a car so she asked a guy to ride her home every night. Yesterday I saw her talking to that guy smiling, and just got jealous again, of which she may noticed. And today they just don't appear! What should I do?

 

Adam Taha, Artist and writer passionate about psychology of dating

1.2k Views • Adam is a Most Viewed Writer in Dating and Relationships.

 

You already know the answer but I'll say it anyway, and I am going to be blunt...

1. You have probably already asked her many a times and she rejected you. So she knows you're behaviour is about preventing other guys getting close to her.  And how you are thinking of no one else but yourself.

2. She hasn't respect for you because she has said no to you many a times and you still orbit around her like a chump.

3. You have demonstrated that even when a girl said no to you a few times, you haven't the self respect and self worth to move on. Also she believes that she was right about saying no to you because you have now proven in her mind - that if she did say yes - you would have been controlling possessive kind of guy.

So she's glad she has rejected you.

4. She knows you are someone who doesn't give a shit about her but you're own dick, lust, fantasy, and that urging desire to be fulfilled. If you cared about her you would have respected her wishes and her space, and stop being jelous.

You would have moved on and approached other girls.

5. She sees your behavior as disgusting, needy, desperate and poisonous to her own social life. Hoping you just bloody well dissappear and move on.

In conclusion = she thinks you're a creep.

Someone to avoid as much as possible.

Especially when she's talking to other guys as you can hinder her chances with someone she likes.

 

10 Answers

Manfred Kramer, Had my fair share of dating and have been in a relationship for 20+ years

1.3k Views • Manfred is a Most Viewed Writer in Crushes.

A2A.

It's time for a reality check and the busting of some myths.

Your "crush" is not really avoiding you. The reason why she didn't appear today is not because "she may (have) noticed" you getting "jealous again" but because she had other stuff to do. The world -incredibly enough- is NOT just revolving around you...

There are a number of lessons you should try to learn as fast as possible:

• You have NO right whatsoever to be "jealous" of your crush. If you've really displayed signs of being jealous to her then you've been making one BIG mistake already: You were creepy. Let me assure you that the very last thing that you want to appear to is being CREEPY. You've got to STOP this behaviour.
• Be(come) aware that NOBODY likes jealous behaviour. It's totally inappropriate and distrustful. Apart from that it's inappropriately possessive and obsessive. You must become aware that this behaviour has nothing to do with her but ALL about you. You are neither sure of yourself nor of her. Therefore I advise you strongly to
• work on your self-esteem and your self-confidence. You should become aware that your crush's choice is NOT a choice against you.  Love, like all of life, is a lottery. You can do A LOT but in the end you might still lose. So, if she prefers the guy who gives her a "ride home every night", then that is totally okay. You can be rightfully frustrated over her choice, but you must not let it out on her. She is free to love any one she cares to. Get that firmly rooted in your head, accept this fact and be a polite gentleman about it. THAT shows confidence, good manners and magnanimity.

You ask "What should I do?". This is what you could do:

• Square your shoulders. Raise your head. Breathe deep, shrug it off and look forward. Your "crush" has chosen someone else and life still continues. There are other beautiful daughters from other beautiful mothers.
• Be good to yourself. Console yourself by pampering yourself a bit. Eat your favourite food, see a good movie or  listen to your favourite music. Reconnect with Mother Nature by taking a walk in a beautiful park, at the beach or in some botanical garden. Sing if you feel like it. Yes: Sing. Singing can help you overcome tensions of the heart. Meet with a good friend and talk with him about it. Don't just let yourself be sad and frustrated. MOVE!
• You might consider doing something for your self-esteem/self-confidence. Read here for more details: How to Develop Self‐Esteem  and here How to Improve Self Confidence. Believe me: Self-esteem and self-confidence are NOT character traits with which you are born with. That's essentially stuff that you learn. You can UNlearn feelings of low self-esteem or low self-confidence.  It's worth the effort. You can increase your life's quality significantly if you do!
• Treat your ex-"crush" with friendly politeness. Don't be a bad loser. You haven't really "lost" anything because you never "had" anything. You CAN lose her respect if you're not able to be graceful about her choice. I surmise that you don't want that happening. So, behave yourself and become a man with aplomb.

Good luck!

Written Dec 17 • View Upvotes • Answer requested by Daniel Lee

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Franklin Veaux, has many crushes, and it's awesome

1.1k Views • Franklin is a Most Viewed Writer in Dating and Relationships with 82 endorsements.

Because jealousy is yucky, and it's awful to be around. You do not own your crush, she is not with you, and you have zero right to be jealous of anyone she chooses to spend time with. By being jealous, you've shown you're not a good person to be around.

There's a solution, of course. Figure out why you're jealous and deal with it. If you want to talk to your crush, talk to her! Don't lurk in the background wishing she'd be with you and getting upset if she's spending time with someone else; ask her out! And if she says no, accept that she has the right to say no, let it go, and find someone else.

Written Dec 17 • View Upvotes

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Adam Taha, Artist and writer passionate about psychology of dating

1.2k Views • Adam is a Most Viewed Writer in Dating and Relationships.

You already know the answer but I'll say it anyway, and I am going to be blunt...

1. You have probably already asked her many a times and she rejected you. So she knows you're behaviour is about preventing other guys getting close to her.  And how you are thinking of no one else but yourself.

2. She hasn't respect for you because she has said no to you many a times and you still orbit around her like a chump.

3. You have demonstrated that even when a girl said no to you a few times, you haven't the self respect and self worth to move on. Also she believes that she was right about saying no to you because you have now proven in her mind - that if she did say yes - you would have been controlling possessive kind of guy.

So she's glad she has rejected you.

4. She knows you are someone who doesn't give a shit about her but you're own dick, lust, fantasy, and that urging desire to be fulfilled. If you cared about her you would have respected her wishes and her space, and stop being jelous.

You would have moved on and approached other girls.

5. She sees your behavior as disgusting, needy, desperate and poisonous to her own social life. Hoping you just bloody well dissappear and move on.

In conclusion = she thinks you're a creep.

Someone to avoid as much as possible.

Especially when she's talking to other guys as you can hinder her chances with someone she likes.

Written Dec 20 • View Upvotes

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Richard White, I "came out" as "straight" when I was 8 years old.

659 Views

She is your "crush" - she is not your girlfriend or your fiancee or your wife. She has no requirement or need or possibly no desire to care about how you feel. Being incapable of having the ability to read your mind, she probably doesn't even know you have a "crush" on her.

If she was your girlfriend or your fiancee or your wife, you might be justified in feeling jealous under these circumstances.

Written Jan 12 • View Upvotes

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Jason Henry, Been there, done (most of) that

300 Views

It's all in your mind. The jealousy is a parasite within you that is ensuring its survival by concocting a story about her avoiding you. You need to squash the jealousy.

Let's flip the script. If you were studying by the library but don't have transportation to get home and a girl offers to drop you, does that mean that you like the girl or that she likes you? No. If you two are talking and you laugh at something she says, does that mean that she likes you or that you like her? No. If a girl that liked you saw you laughing with her, wouldn't it be  short-sighted of her to be jealous? Yes. And even if she did, she doesn't belong to you so stop acting like it.

Written Dec 22 • View Upvotes • Answer requested by Daniel Lee

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Megan Pighetti, Blogger www.LifesBaggage.com

320 Views

Unfortunately, there really isn't much you can do.  If she is just a crush you don't really know if she feels the same way.  She may have a crush on you, or on the other guy, or someone else entirely.  So you really have no right to be jealous and if she did notice that can be a turn off for her.  She could be thinking "I liked him but, if he gets jealous when we are just talking, what would he be like if we were together?" 

Here is what I suggest.  You may still feel jealous inside but you really have no reason to show it.  You can either move on or ask her out next time you see her.  Try and play it cool...as much as you can at this point. 

Good luck.

Written Dec 20 • View Upvotes • Answer requested by Daniel Lee

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Mike King, Licensed Family and marriage counselor for many years

166 Views • Mike is a Most Viewed Writer in Crushes.

You are suspicious that something may have developed between the two of them and kit is likely you are right. Do nothing and go on with your life.  Start dating other girls and let the old one go. She may want to come back after her fling and
it is up to you to decide how to handle it. 

Just remember you are both young and nature strongly urges young people to
test their future mate and that is what she is doing.  You, on the other hand,
 have the same right and you should exercise the option yourself.
Good luck.
Thanks for the A2A

Written Dec 17 • View Upvotes • Answer requested by Daniel Lee

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Pandora Hayamoto, 10+ experience, hipster

37 Views

It is not your fault to be jealous, because you like her.

But at a level you have to move backwards, because when you could feel she doesn't like your behaviour but you keep doing that, will just make her feel annoying. And you will totally lose her indeed.

Try not to be clingy and have your self-esteem(I just have seen lots of people here said this word and I feel pretty important for us)

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7 Signs You’re Being Too Clingy

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Good luck! Welcome to talk further!

Written Feb 21

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Aditya Firke, X years of experience in Social issues

266 Views

enjoy crushing , crush is for your own fantasy world and not for the real world, dont take them so seriously. Be a great lover, find someone who can be your lover.If your lover is doing  this stuff then you have the right to be jealous of it else leave it.

Written Dec 22

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Ahmed Gebril

145 Views

she may have not avoided you in such situation, maybe she was doing something else.

You are not supposed to get jealous of her talking to another guy because she isn't your girlfriend so why should you be jealous?

What you should do is tell her your feelings towards her instead of letting her go and maybe that guy likes her too who knows?

Written Dec 25 • View Upvotes • Answer requested by Daniel Lee