Why don't some guys try more if the girl rejects them?
I
just met this guy, he said he really likes me and wants to date me. I
told him I don't have any special feeling for him yet, and it is too
fast.
He told me it was okay, but never contacted me again. What does this mean?
He told me it was okay, but never contacted me again. What does this mean?
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Because "some" guys respect others wishes and take their words seriously. Then, there are other guys, who think that she didn't mean what she said, (thanks to some of the Indian movies) and eventually turn into stalkers, hoping that she would fall for him some day .Finally, they turn into so-called "creep", which they never meant to become at the first place.
1. If you don't have feelings for that guy, then you should be thankful to him. He doesn't bother you anymore.
2. If you have feelings for him now, then you should better tell him. (Yeah, we are sorry that we cannot read your mind. If we could have, then we wouldn't have had approached you at the first place.)
3. If you are expecting him to give you attention, even after you said that you are not interested in him, then you are just kidding yourself.
This quote sums up this context. "You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become a villain".
Here is an interesting article i read in a newspaper :
A man in Australia accused of stalking women blamed it on Bollywood. His case was dismissed.
Because "some" guys respect others wishes and take their words seriously. Then, there are other guys, who think that she didn't mean what she said, (thanks to some of the Indian movies) and eventually turn into stalkers, hoping that she would fall for him some day .Finally, they turn into so-called "creep", which they never meant to become at the first place.
1. If you don't have feelings for that guy, then you should be thankful to him. He doesn't bother you anymore.
2. If you have feelings for him now, then you should better tell him. (Yeah, we are sorry that we cannot read your mind. If we could have, then we wouldn't have had approached you at the first place.)
3. If you are expecting him to give you attention, even after you said that you are not interested in him, then you are just kidding yourself.
This quote sums up this context. "You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become a villain".
Here is an interesting article i read in a newspaper :
A man in Australia accused of stalking women blamed it on Bollywood. His case was dismissed.
24.6k Views • Upvoted by Franklin Veaux, co-author of More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
It means "No means No."
What you've described is "No means No - except when it means Yes."
That's a tiresome game to play and it undermines the whole idea of respecting a woman's word.
Of course we know that sometimes some women say No when they mean Yes or Try Again.
For a man to not accept a No at face value from a woman that he does not know intimately, is for him to undermine the whole notion of explicit consent.
In summation, I say the guy did the right thing.
If you want something to happen between you now, you have to state it explicitly. In other words, apply "Yes means Yes".
The leading men in movies can read ladies' minds and charm their socks off because the scriptwriter decrees it with godlike power. If you want a relationship in real life, you're going to have to be explicit about it eventually. Real men don't read minds.
Yes means Yes.
What you've described is "No means No - except when it means Yes."
That's a tiresome game to play and it undermines the whole idea of respecting a woman's word.
Of course we know that sometimes some women say No when they mean Yes or Try Again.
For a man to not accept a No at face value from a woman that he does not know intimately, is for him to undermine the whole notion of explicit consent.
In summation, I say the guy did the right thing.
If you want something to happen between you now, you have to state it explicitly. In other words, apply "Yes means Yes".
The leading men in movies can read ladies' minds and charm their socks off because the scriptwriter decrees it with godlike power. If you want a relationship in real life, you're going to have to be explicit about it eventually. Real men don't read minds.
Yes means Yes.
57.1k Views • Upvoted by Robert Chandler, Love women. Wonderful experiences w/marvelous ones. Successfully married. Twice.
It
means that he respects you. You told him that you're not interested in
him and he took you at your word, which he should. If you've changed
your mind and want to go out with him, then invite him out on a date.
Try
more for what? You don't think he is a Sherlock Holmes, who is going to
solve this unresolved mystery that you will be playing with him. Do
you? Guys are very straight from what I have seen as my best friends are
mostly guys. In general, they are very rational in opposed to most of
us girls. So, you should have asked him some more time before you had
actually said no to him. That would probably had given you more time to
analyze the person well instead of bluntly replying no. They don't want
to try more because you hurt his feelings so abruptly. Suppose, you
propose a guy, and he just retorts, 'No'. Will you keep on trying more?
No. You will definitely be hurt and stop pestering him. Right? Or would
you keep on trying and stalking? That isn't healthy. If a guy says no,
he means no too. It's too late to feel guilty I guess and if you want to
be with him, yes, go on and ask him if he still loves you or not. Good
luck!
“The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
Because, if we do, it's usually called 'stalking' or 'sexual harassment'.
'No means No' has firmly replaced 'when a woman says No, she really means Maybe' in most sensible people's minds. A good thing, too.
And personally speaking: if you're unable or unwilling to articulate your needs and desires or are seriously into mind games, I don't want anything to do with you - much less a relationship.
I'm not a psychotherapist-to-be looking for a thesis subject.
'No means No' has firmly replaced 'when a woman says No, she really means Maybe' in most sensible people's minds. A good thing, too.
And personally speaking: if you're unable or unwilling to articulate your needs and desires or are seriously into mind games, I don't want anything to do with you - much less a relationship.
I'm not a psychotherapist-to-be looking for a thesis subject.
I'm
not certain how you're defining "special" feelings (highly attracted,
in love, etc.), but if someone is simply asking you to go on a date for
the first time, why do you feel the need to announce that you're not
emotionally invested in him yet? Isn't that obvious given the fact that
you haven't dated previously, and can't you think of a more sensitive
response since he's finally built up enough nerve to ask you out for the
first time (or multiple times) hoping for an affirmative answer?
The next time someone asks you out, simply provide him a straight answer regarding your interest in accompanying him to dinner or wherever you're being invited. Stop overthinking the fact that someone states that he "really likes" you and realize that it's simply a means of him stating that he's excited about the possibility of going out with you instead of treating it as if it's a wedding proposal. You probably scared this guy off, but hopefully you'll provide a simpler answer the next time your approached for a date.
The next time someone asks you out, simply provide him a straight answer regarding your interest in accompanying him to dinner or wherever you're being invited. Stop overthinking the fact that someone states that he "really likes" you and realize that it's simply a means of him stating that he's excited about the possibility of going out with you instead of treating it as if it's a wedding proposal. You probably scared this guy off, but hopefully you'll provide a simpler answer the next time your approached for a date.
"Why
don't some guys try more?" is well addressed in the existing answers.
To speak for myself, to take no for a sticky answer that requires
explicit action for a person to reverse is to keep my conscience clear
and to keep me out of court and out of handcuffs.
What this means could be many things depending on him. It could mean that he's still interested but is staying away to respect your explicit rejection of his romantic advances. It could also mean that he's over you already and has moved on to other interests. (One of the finer skills of male adulting has been to process the sheer volume of romantic rejection you're faced with without getting down on yourself. Face it, he's probably forgotten about you.)
If you like him and want to clear the ambiguity, the ball's in your court. Pick up the phone.
What this means could be many things depending on him. It could mean that he's still interested but is staying away to respect your explicit rejection of his romantic advances. It could also mean that he's over you already and has moved on to other interests. (One of the finer skills of male adulting has been to process the sheer volume of romantic rejection you're faced with without getting down on yourself. Face it, he's probably forgotten about you.)
If you like him and want to clear the ambiguity, the ball's in your court. Pick up the phone.
We
live in an age where what use to pass as acceptable behavior of men
when it comes to courtship has come under very serious & deserved
social scrutiny. "No" means no and the only thing that means yes is
"Yes." We have a long, long way to go in building up Consent Culture, but progress has been made in that Rape Culture doesn't go entirely unchallenged anymore.
As
far as the general social prescriptions for courtship and sexual
relations between heterosexual women and heterosexual men, what that
means for men is that it is utterly unacceptable and wrong to look at a
woman who has said "No" to your advances but rationalize that she
"actually wants it" or secretly signaling you (because of the way she's
dressed or because she was smiling or anything else) and therefore you
should get more aggressive in your advances. Not cool. Not OK. Leads
very bad places for a frightening number of women (and men).
For
women who have a desire to be pursued, one of the things this means is
that it is not reasonable for you to say "No" and then expect to be
pursued. Out of respect for the many other women who want their stated
boundaries honored, coyness and games that are not explicitly identified
are unacceptable and somewhat unfair to people who are interested in
you. Rather than "I don't have any special feelings for you and this is
too fast," (which = "No"), you could say something like, "If you want me
to go out on a date with you, I expect you to court and woo me. If I'm
impressed by your efforts to win me over, I'll say 'Yes' to one date and
we'll see how that goes."
Once you
actually internalize that, it's actually blessedly simple. I'm happily
married now, but dating would have been way more fun if this
conversation had been further along a decade ago! What a radical notion:
people should say what they want and respect what other people don't want.
It's way simpler than clumsily trying to interpret for subtle meanings,
and – for the bold – opens the door widely for grand romantic gestures.
The pretty standard answer ofcourse is going to be "just be straight forward" and I am not totally against women doing that.
Nevertheless the reason why you did what you did was to see how interested he is. This may seem like a reasonable method to go about things but it isn't. The reason is whilst you might know that he still has a chance with you, once you start saying "No" when you really mean "Yes" we enter into dangerous terrain.
Most men are afraid of looking like anything resembling a sexual predator. Infact in my line of work as an attraction coach I regularly need to tell men to reapproach women who have semi-rejected them only to have the men walk back having kissed the girl with their phone number in hand. Why? Because the rejection method you are talking about is FAR more common in women than people realise BUT you have to have a very high level of intuition and emotional intelligence to keep persisting.
Women rely on a sense of intuition that most men just dont have. Men live in the world of the literal, most women live in a much more subtle intuitive world and can forgo direct communication.
This is why society has taught men that when in doubt, do nothing.
I am a huge supporter of "No means no" and whilst a very small percentage of women might say 'No' then get upset when nothing is pursued, women need to understand that you cant make such a direct word like 'No' mean nothing and under all circumstances when a man hears 'No' he must back off.
Nevertheless the reason why you did what you did was to see how interested he is. This may seem like a reasonable method to go about things but it isn't. The reason is whilst you might know that he still has a chance with you, once you start saying "No" when you really mean "Yes" we enter into dangerous terrain.
Most men are afraid of looking like anything resembling a sexual predator. Infact in my line of work as an attraction coach I regularly need to tell men to reapproach women who have semi-rejected them only to have the men walk back having kissed the girl with their phone number in hand. Why? Because the rejection method you are talking about is FAR more common in women than people realise BUT you have to have a very high level of intuition and emotional intelligence to keep persisting.
Women rely on a sense of intuition that most men just dont have. Men live in the world of the literal, most women live in a much more subtle intuitive world and can forgo direct communication.
This is why society has taught men that when in doubt, do nothing.
I am a huge supporter of "No means no" and whilst a very small percentage of women might say 'No' then get upset when nothing is pursued, women need to understand that you cant make such a direct word like 'No' mean nothing and under all circumstances when a man hears 'No' he must back off.
We live in a world transitioning from "guys pursue girls, girls show no interest to test the guys' interest" to a world of "girls go and get who they want".
It is then very understandable how this causes a blurred environment creating all sorts of misunderstandings, both in the guys and in the girls heads.
My absolute conviction #1? IF IT IS WORTH, IT WILL HAPPEN. That when one is REALLY interested, she/he will find a way to make it clear in the other person. She/he will make an encounter happen, will talk more openly to the other person, or get somehow the message across....
And if this isn't clear enough? then the other is maybe not the right person for you, or not looking for a relationship.
My absolute conviction #2? DO NOT FAKE + MAKE IT CLEAR. You need to behave as naturally as you can and be clear on what you want and how you want to be treated. Allow the other person to know you are interested, in which kind of relationship you are interested and do talk when you are disappointed by a behavior/compliment when a behavior makes you happy.
I hope it helps,
Serena
Because no means no.
You told him you didn't want a relationship and he took your no for a no and moved on. That is truly commendable behaviour. Very often it takes quite a bit more effort to get a guy to stop harassing me. They usually won't stop until I say the magic words "I'm married/engaged/have a boyfriend."
Men aren't mind readers (and neither are women). If you don't want to date now, but might be willing to after getting to know each other, you should have said that. And if you're currently interested in dating him now, why not give him a call?
You told him you didn't want a relationship and he took your no for a no and moved on. That is truly commendable behaviour. Very often it takes quite a bit more effort to get a guy to stop harassing me. They usually won't stop until I say the magic words "I'm married/engaged/have a boyfriend."
Men aren't mind readers (and neither are women). If you don't want to date now, but might be willing to after getting to know each other, you should have said that. And if you're currently interested in dating him now, why not give him a call?
And get more humiliated by you.
Great.
A person can be either selfish or dumb. But when both those attributes are seen in one person I don't know what to say.
You expressed your feelings of not liking him. He respected that and never contacted you again.
That's it.
Stop expecting guys to run behind you after you have rejected them.
Edit:
Thank you Sai Kiran Namana, Dheeraj Goyal, Dileep Munugoti, Puneet Mishra, Vikas Saini, Saravana Priyan, Chaitanya Kolukuluri, Tejas Kashyap, Priyank Rawat and Abhi Bavishi for promoting my answer :)
Great.
A person can be either selfish or dumb. But when both those attributes are seen in one person I don't know what to say.
You expressed your feelings of not liking him. He respected that and never contacted you again.
That's it.
Stop expecting guys to run behind you after you have rejected them.
Edit:
Thank you Sai Kiran Namana, Dheeraj Goyal, Dileep Munugoti, Puneet Mishra, Vikas Saini, Saravana Priyan, Chaitanya Kolukuluri, Tejas Kashyap, Priyank Rawat and Abhi Bavishi for promoting my answer :)
Yeah, I get it. Most of us guys get it. Boy do we get it. So much so we think most women are tapped in head sometimes. Most.
It usually goes like this....(the image below is just an image I made not the real conversation from my phone)
Once I approached a woman I know from friends. I got to know her a little and all was going great. So I got her number and after a few text message I called.
I was direct and asked her out.
She said - Well, erm, I got a boyfriend you see.
Me - Oh, cool. Hey, it's fine. You take care and it was great meeting you anyway.
What happens next should be made into a god damn Hollywood drama movie. This is how it went....
Evening the phone rings..
Her friend - Hey how you doing Adam?
Me - Oh great. Just going out though
Her friend -Ok but what happened with (name)
Me - Nothing. Why?
Her friend - She said you showed no interest. I thought you liked her.
Me - Huh? I asked her out. She said she got a boyfriend.
Her friend - She hasn't got a boyfriend. She was wondering why you didn't persist?
Me - WHAT?!?!
3 hours later...
Another of her friends - Hey Adam I thought you two were good for each other
Me - What you on about?
Her friend 2 - You know (name). She was all talking about you for 2 weeks. Excited.
Me - (confused)
Me - But she said she has A BOYFRIEND!!!
Her friend 2 - Yeah but all girls say that....you know...
Me - No I don't. If a woman says she got a boyfriend, she has a boyfriend. That's how I take it. What the hell. You and your friends are crazy.
I swear, this went on for sometime and it turned me off with her so bad, I never wanted to ever date her. Ever. If that's how she was then man, forget it.
It be like this.....
Her - I wanted coffee
Me - But I asked if you wanted a drink but you said no
Me - Yeah but you know, I really meant I do want coffee
Me - What YOU ON ABOUT? I asked and you said you didn't want any?
Her - But I really meant yes.
Me - ?!?!?!?!?!?!
When we guys hear no, or got a boyfriend, it means no. It means for us to keep our distance. It means the woman is not interested because I have tried persisting before and I had enough of the BS that comes with it.
You know, some women want attention.
Some want just to feel they can attract a guy but nothing. Some want to drag the BS along for a little longer.
But it doesn't wash with me or many guys.
A no is a no.
So I don't call a woman who doesn't call back. I don't text anymore if women don't text back. I don't wonder about signals....what if and how come. I don't wonder if she might be interested or if I should push it and try again.
I don't mean to sound arrogant but...
The world is full of women. Amazing women. Women of passion, purpose, goals, ideas, creativity and values. By her saying no...it has now freed me to approach other women and I saw it as her being honest.
So awesome. I can move on. I mean no one out of their mind will say no when they mean yes - and yes to mean no.
2+2 = logic!
But you see sometimes logic has nothing to do with what is going on. It's emotions, fears, insecurities, perceptions and a whole lot of stuff I cannot see in a woman's head. All I know is to make sure she feels safe, comfortable and I am not over stepping her boundaries. That she knows I can move on and walk away.
That it's no problem for her to say no or yes. It's ok if I get a no. I'm a man. Strong enough and have higher purpose to let rejection get me down. I solid, rock solid and I'll take a no as a no.
When I hear no, when I see or I don't get much of a response, when I hear any word about boyfriend, or ex boyfriend then like most guys we move on. I see it that if I try anymore I am making the woman feel uncomfortable.
I have self respect and I got to move on.
Playing hard to get may work on some guys but for guys who got self worth and got a lot going on life.....they move on.
The woman got asked, she said no and I haven't got a court order over my head because I didn't take no as...no.
That's why.
It usually goes like this....(the image below is just an image I made not the real conversation from my phone)
Once I approached a woman I know from friends. I got to know her a little and all was going great. So I got her number and after a few text message I called.
I was direct and asked her out.
She said - Well, erm, I got a boyfriend you see.
Me - Oh, cool. Hey, it's fine. You take care and it was great meeting you anyway.
What happens next should be made into a god damn Hollywood drama movie. This is how it went....
Evening the phone rings..
Her friend - Hey how you doing Adam?
Me - Oh great. Just going out though
Her friend -Ok but what happened with (name)
Me - Nothing. Why?
Her friend - She said you showed no interest. I thought you liked her.
Me - Huh? I asked her out. She said she got a boyfriend.
Her friend - She hasn't got a boyfriend. She was wondering why you didn't persist?
Me - WHAT?!?!
3 hours later...
Another of her friends - Hey Adam I thought you two were good for each other
Me - What you on about?
Her friend 2 - You know (name). She was all talking about you for 2 weeks. Excited.
Me - (confused)
Me - But she said she has A BOYFRIEND!!!
Her friend 2 - Yeah but all girls say that....you know...
Me - No I don't. If a woman says she got a boyfriend, she has a boyfriend. That's how I take it. What the hell. You and your friends are crazy.
I swear, this went on for sometime and it turned me off with her so bad, I never wanted to ever date her. Ever. If that's how she was then man, forget it.
It be like this.....
Her - I wanted coffee
Me - But I asked if you wanted a drink but you said no
Me - Yeah but you know, I really meant I do want coffee
Me - What YOU ON ABOUT? I asked and you said you didn't want any?
Her - But I really meant yes.
Me - ?!?!?!?!?!?!
When we guys hear no, or got a boyfriend, it means no. It means for us to keep our distance. It means the woman is not interested because I have tried persisting before and I had enough of the BS that comes with it.
You know, some women want attention.
Some want just to feel they can attract a guy but nothing. Some want to drag the BS along for a little longer.
But it doesn't wash with me or many guys.
A no is a no.
So I don't call a woman who doesn't call back. I don't text anymore if women don't text back. I don't wonder about signals....what if and how come. I don't wonder if she might be interested or if I should push it and try again.
I don't mean to sound arrogant but...
The world is full of women. Amazing women. Women of passion, purpose, goals, ideas, creativity and values. By her saying no...it has now freed me to approach other women and I saw it as her being honest.
So awesome. I can move on. I mean no one out of their mind will say no when they mean yes - and yes to mean no.
2+2 = logic!
But you see sometimes logic has nothing to do with what is going on. It's emotions, fears, insecurities, perceptions and a whole lot of stuff I cannot see in a woman's head. All I know is to make sure she feels safe, comfortable and I am not over stepping her boundaries. That she knows I can move on and walk away.
That it's no problem for her to say no or yes. It's ok if I get a no. I'm a man. Strong enough and have higher purpose to let rejection get me down. I solid, rock solid and I'll take a no as a no.
When I hear no, when I see or I don't get much of a response, when I hear any word about boyfriend, or ex boyfriend then like most guys we move on. I see it that if I try anymore I am making the woman feel uncomfortable.
I have self respect and I got to move on.
Playing hard to get may work on some guys but for guys who got self worth and got a lot going on life.....they move on.
The woman got asked, she said no and I haven't got a court order over my head because I didn't take no as...no.
That's why.
Some people give up too easily.
Some people respect your answer and don't bother you again.
Some people feel that if you say one thing and mean another, you're not worth it.
Some people are hurt by the rejection, even if they say it's OK, and don't want to risk a second humiliation.
Some people ask the next boy/girl, receive a yes, and begin dating them.
Perhaps you should more carefully consider your response next time, since it seems as if his disappearance is bothering you.
In a way, you have no one to blame but yourself.
If
you were clear about the "yet" part, meaning you saw potential but
needed a little time, it means he wanted something immediate and not
something long term.
But if a woman tells me she's not interested, I move on. If she wants to play games she can play them with someone else. And if she's actually not interested I'm not going to harass her.
But if a woman tells me she's not interested, I move on. If she wants to play games she can play them with someone else. And if she's actually not interested I'm not going to harass her.
Some guys do try more and don't accept rejection.
They start stalking the girl and refuse to leave when told to. They will do their best to try and convince the girl that they'd be the perfect partner.
No matter how many times told "fuck off, I'm calling the police" they will keep coming, they will harass other men away from you and make excuses to get keys to your home.
Eventually they'll come to your home, force their way in, maybe give you some gifts and say "you'll come around, YOU'LL SEE!".
Good luck with that.
They start stalking the girl and refuse to leave when told to. They will do their best to try and convince the girl that they'd be the perfect partner.
No matter how many times told "fuck off, I'm calling the police" they will keep coming, they will harass other men away from you and make excuses to get keys to your home.
Eventually they'll come to your home, force their way in, maybe give you some gifts and say "you'll come around, YOU'LL SEE!".
Good luck with that.
The Understanding Guys:
If there's something they have learnt about girls over the years, it's to respect boundaries.
The Judgmental Guys:
They're probably gonna think that your attitude overshadows their feelings
The Faint-hearted Guys:
Too afraid of getting hurt, they'll never cross paths with you.
The Egoistic Guys:
Will take your rejection as a defamation and retaliate with hate.
The Playboy Guys:
Strike you off the list and move on to the next cute girl.
.
.
If there's something they have learnt about girls over the years, it's to respect boundaries.
The Judgmental Guys:
They're probably gonna think that your attitude overshadows their feelings
The Faint-hearted Guys:
Too afraid of getting hurt, they'll never cross paths with you.
The Egoistic Guys:
Will take your rejection as a defamation and retaliate with hate.
The Playboy Guys:
Strike you off the list and move on to the next cute girl.
.
.
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